The Tragic Beginning...
by Emerson Faustini

Beware...

What follows is the wretched, sordid and repeatedly disproved story of the "band" Satan's Taint. It is a hideous story, not for the fainthearted or virgin-eared. Nor is it a story for whiny little bitches who crap their trousers the first time anyone says something mildly offensive. You "WLBs" can just fuck off and spend the rest of the afternoon wiping your oft-crapped undies.

The band descended upon Juneau, Alaska in early 2005 and rocked the city hardcore for several full days. The damage is cataclysmic and immeasurable. The city lies in ruins, and still they rock. Hardcore. The children are unfed and dogs prowl the streets in packs, and yet? still? they rock. Can't someone please stop them?

This is the story of their tragic beginning?

May 24, 1967, a secret, underground laboratory somewhere in the Rockies, Dr. Walter Hercules Parnacle addresses an international collection of wealth and influence from every sphere: statesmen, bankers, actors and even rock musicians?

Dr. Walter Hercules Parnacle: Ladies and gentlemen of the Illuminati, may I present to you the most amazing leap forward in science since Mendel's bit with the peas?

Henry Kissenger: Vot have you dragged us all here for, Parnacle? I've got movie schtars to schtoop already!

Dr. P: Henry, Henry, have I ever let you down before? Remember the Hammerhead Dolphins, Henry? Remember Budapest?

Henry K: Yes, it's true. Ve vould not have been successful in Budapest vithout ze shark zsings.

Dr. P: Than allow me. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, "Parnacle's Boys."

(With a flourish he removes a drape from in front of three large tanks. Inside each tank is a child, a boy like any other boy, in most respects, and yet very different. They are naked and floating in an amber fluid. They are each a deep, dark red color, with thick, matted hair on their chests and eyes that shine yellow. Their penises are inordinately long, prehensile, pronged and, curiously, they appear to use them as a kind of "tail" in order to propel themselves around the tank. As the drape is removed they swim quickly to the edge of their tanks and sharply observe the attendees. Each barks a strange squealing, gargling noise. They appear to understand each other.)

Pol Pot: My god, Parnacle! What have you done?! What are these things?

Fidel Castro: Diablos!

Jackie Kennedy: Do they breathe air? Can they sustain themselves outside of the fluid?

Dr. P: Yes, yes they can. Though we've found that if they are outside of the fluid for too long they will start to lose their color, both in the skin and eyes. Also, the penis shrinks rapidly when they are outside of the fluid, and it appears to cause them a great deal of pain when this happens. We haven't yet determined if they will be able to sustain themselves indefinitely outside of it.

Dr. P: They appear to think this is some kind of music. Sometimes the three of them will start to sing all at once. It is an awful sound. We have to stop them with electric shock.

Frank Sinatra: How the Hell did you make these things, Doc? I mean, it just don't figure.

Dr. P: You are right to ask, Mr. Sinatra. Well, on a scientific level it's beyond you all so I won't bore you, but to put it into layman's terms, we injected a fertilized egg with a chemical compound that has recently been unlocked. Surrogates brought the eggs to fruition.

Henry K: Vat is zis compound you mention? How vas it revealed to you?

Dr. P: Well, as you're all aware, the U.S. government has been studying the occult for several decades. A lot of wasted money spent on phony telekinesis, witches, aliens, you name it. But this time they found something.

Pol P: What? What did they find!? These monsters!?

Dr. P: I'll tell you what they found, Pol. By applying a Cabbalistic numerological formula to Alestaire Crowley's "Liber AL vel Legis," and overlapping it with an original copy of the, Abdul Alhazred's "Necronomicon" we were able-

Jackie K: But there is no original copy! I've searched for twenty years.

Dr. P: You must not have looked in the right places, Mrs. Kennedy. I can assure you we have it, and the results are before you. Moving on: A prophecy was unlocked, as well as the formula for a previously unknown compound. The chemical compound has some similarities to lysergic acid diethylamide, but with key differences. The hosts were largely unaffected by the-

Elizabeth Taylor: You're boring me, darling! How much are they? I think they're adorable and I want one.

Frank S: So, what happened to the gals?er?hosts? Those things look pretty big.

Dr. P: Yes, they were several times the size of normal babies by the time they were born. Unfortunately, the creatures killed the hosts during the birth process by ripping out from the birth canal. The area in between the anus and the vagina was slashed completely open on each of the hosts.

Frank S: The choad?!

Fidel C: The taint?!

Jackie K: Lucifer's tickle spot?

Dr. P: Indeed it is all these things. Lovecraft foretold this in a related poem, "When born is the new power, the vessel now is rent asunder and emerging from this cleft, this Satan's taint, shall be the scourge of all who would oppose it." We all had a good laugh in the control room when we realized the double entendre right after the birth.

As I'm sure you've already ascertained, these creatures are not of this plane. Through the progress of science we have learned how to 'summon' these unholy creatures...

(The attendees shift nervously)

Does this surprise you?

Fidel C: What ees jour plan for these things, Doctor? What are they capable of?

Dr. P: Well, fully grown I expect they'll be extremely dangerous. They have already displayed some of their powers but there is no way to predict just how powerful they can become. The prophecy included a code we found to be Greek, "Kosmokrator Shotos Toutou Aion" - World Rulers of the Era of Darkness. We gave them names accordingly, using the Greek "Daimon" for the word demon.

(Parnacle gestures to the first tank)

This one, this ugly thing, of course they're all ugly, but anyway, this fellow we call Bud." As you can see, he masturbates constantly. Hideous.

Next we have a really repulsive creature, we've dubbed him "Doug," which means, roughly, "Unclean Yak Demon." As you can see, his face looks distinctly like the genitalia of an adult male yak, so we thought it was a natural fit.

This creature here, who our scientistics have determined is indeed female, has a very dangerous piercing shreek of a voice that can shatter glass and rupture eardrums. We have muzzled her for your safety. We will refer to her as "Nora" for the sake of levity.

(Laughter echoes the chambers of the labratory.)

Lastly we have this awful beast that we are tentatively calling "Dave." Many of us are not happy with this name and it may change. We let Jimmy from accounting name it. He won a raffle.

Mick Jagger: Look, whatever you want to call it, I love it, baby. We'll take one right now. We need it.

Keith Richards: For the album cover, right Mick? That t'ing will look fuckin' marvelous on an album cover. Give it a little pitchfork, dress Charlie as a fuckin' angel!

Mick: I love it mate. Call it "Her Majesty's Satanic Baby" or something like that. How much?

Jackie K.: I'll take all three, Doctor. Price is of no consequence.

Dr. P: Everything has its price, ladies and gentlemen. But these items will not be for sale for some time yet. They are simply too volatile to allow outside this laboratory. We have several experiments to run before we can release them. I'm afraid that is non-negotiable.

Jackie K.: Wrong answer.

(Suddenly and without warning several explosions rock the laboratory. Soldiers pour into the room and begin strafing the people in attendance. Jackie Kennedy leads them as they kill everyone. The room fills with smoke and sparks.)

Jackie K.: Don't shoot the tanks!

(But it is already too late; the tanks are shattered and the thick, amber fluid is pouring over the dead bodies of Keith Richards, Fidel Castro and the rest. The creatures are nowhere to be found.)

Jackie K.: Find the creatures! They must not escape!

(As several soldiers tear apart the lab looking for the creature, others unwrap perfect replicas of all the people whose bodies lay on the ground.)

Jackie K: I fucking hate wasting a good android on Sinatra, but we can't have people snooping around. Find me those monsters! They've got to be here somewhere.

(But the creatures were not to be found. And they would not be discovered, not even to themselves, for several decades.)

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